Mental Health

In modern times many people struggle with mental health issues - and a am by no means an exception. The main issue is, that most people just don’t talk about it and suffer alone, thinking they are alone, and everyone else is just doing fine in this hellscape of a modern society. At least that is what you see on several social media platforms like Instagram etc.

So even despite my exceptional¹ successes that can be seen in my work i always struggled with issues even to the point of total breakdown. Of course i am also guilty of painting a rosy picture of me - just look at a summary of my experiences or the awesome things i did at university. If you only read that it is hard to believe that i basically had to delay my studies from 2007 to 2010 because i wasn’t even really able to leave the house.

¹ citation needed

Only thanks to the not-that-awful system in Germany and massive financial help from my parents i was even able to pursue this way.

What are my issues?

Well.. after 15 long years of therapy i finally get a hang of all my issues. Many of those are related, some are just the result of coping mechanisms of ignoring other issues.

Currently i am successfully diagnosed with

• social anxiety
• ADHD
• transgenderism

and i got a big suspician of

• autism

All in all: when i feel well, am good rested and have nothing critical coming up i am more of what i would call a “high functioning Autist, but not THAT far on the spectrum”. But it is funny that while finding out who i really am, i met more people who basically had the same issue and a similar biography like mine. Some of them get the autism-diagnosis first, others the ADHD one - since until some time ago those diagnosis were mutually exclusive.

That’s also why many people like me are only really diagnosed as adults, because autism hides many effects of ADHD and vice-versa - depending on which one is currently dominating. It is basically 2 modes: do everything all at once and start everything that grabs your attention - or do a deep dive into a single thing. And the exact opposite: The ADHD part being bored by the autism-project, the autism-part is completely overwhelmed by the ADHD chaos. Both then leading to exhaustion, not being able to do anything .. and basically feeling guilty for the things you did not manage to finish.

Today i finally found myself. I currently have a great partner (with 3 kids) - and all of them have similar issues. Like i said: I best get along with similar people - and also fall in love with those.. and as AuDHD runs in the genes all offspring has a good chance of catching it to varies degrees, too.

I think the most important thing was the ADHD-Diagnosis - as this enabled me to get metylphenidate to basically get into a “3-4 hours focused as long as the pill works” and total chaos afterwards. This enables me to have productive days/times where i can do all the boring-work that my ADHD-Part wants to sit out and the autism part is overwhelmed from even starting.

The early days

To be continued …